Dear Dr. Doris,

I’m in an uncomfortable situation. I hope there is another way to handle the problem other than personally confronting my date.

I met this woman a couple of weeks ago at a party. Things were great until I asked her out to dinner.

That’s when I experienced the shock of my life. She has absolutely terrible
table manners. She talks with food in her mouth and she’s so animated with her fork and knife that I had visions of having a meal with Edward Scissorhands.

I’m not Mr. Etiquette, but my parents did teach me proper table manners. I’m not planning to dine out with her any time soon because I don’t want to crawl under the table in embarrassment. This means that we’re limited to meals at her house or mine. I can’t take her around my friends.

I hate “difficult conversations.” I’m very uncomfortable confronting someone about a behavior I don’t like and we’re not in a committed relationship.

I’m struggling because this woman is really great. We have the dating chemistry that turns me on. I’d love to get to know her better if her table manners weren’t so repulsive.

Do you have any suggestions about how to let her know her manners are an issue without having to have “THE Conversation”? I know I can’t change other people.

Eric

Dear Eric,

When we avoid addressing our true concerns with a date or mate, we cheat two people: ourselves and the other person. Because we aren’t being authentic, we lose the opportunity to discover how they handle constructive feedback. That’s just the beginning.

We block our access to critical information. If you want to consciously choose your ideal partner, you need to embrace authentic, meaningful conversations. Until both of you are open and vulnerable, you’ll never enjoy a genuine connection.

When we cover up our concerns, we also cheat ourselves out of a precious growth experience. It takes so much energy to hide our true feelings and opinions that we’re never fully present. We miss blatant clues from the other person because we’re preoccupied with fearful thoughts.

We also miss nudges from our Internal Oracle. If our mind were at ease because we felt comfortable expressing our true thoughts, our intuition would be flawlessly guiding us forward.

Instead, we’re second guessing ourselves and struggling to hide what we’re thinking. We become exhausted when we could be having fun. There is more to the self-sabotage. The issue we’re trying to sweep under the rug repeats until we learn to tactfully and respectfully (yet assertively) express ourselves. You can see this situation is a special gift wrapped in prickly wrapping paper . . . a prime learning opportunity.

If you continue to avoid addressing the issue, you’ll cheat yourself out of the opportunity to discover how to be comfortable during difficult conversations. This is such an important life skill that you truly want to gain comfort and confidence with crucial conversations. You’ll glean both with practice, so ask yourself two questions:
• “If not now, when?”
• “Wouldn’t I want to know if she were avoiding giving ME feedback about the one thing she doesn’t like about MY behavior?”

Relationship coaching will help you develop courage and confidence. You’ll thrive when you are 100% Your Authentic Self in all your relationships. You’ll get your needs met in easy, harmonious ways and your self-esteem will soar.

© 2011 Doris Helge, Ph.D. Excerpted with permission from the book: Helge, Doris, Ph.D. “Transforming Pain Into Power — Making the Most of Your Emotions,” Download sample chapters at http://TransformingPainIntoPower.com

Dear Dr. Doris,

I need your advice. I am in a relationship, almost a year now. The good news? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more loved, adored and appreciated by anyone. The bad news? My boyfriend has no steady income. I’m in my early 50s, divorced and I’m not making much money.

I’m concerned about my financial future. Here’s the dilemma. He provides for my emotional needs, but not the realistic stuff like money, decent clothes, nice home, etc. This sounds a bit superficial, but it’s also a reality. He knows that unless his financial situation improves, he will lose me, but he talks about being together forever and says I’m the love of his life. He says he has been looking for work but he’s a freelance photographer.

Since we met a year ago, I’ve broken up with him three times because of my concern regarding finances but we keep getting back together. We have a very strong emotional connection.

Bottom line? I have a wonderful sweet man who loves, adores, appreciates and cherishes me unconditionally. I’m comfortable with him, love him, and I can be myself with him. I could end up alone and poor, so perhaps I should just be
thankful and grateful for what I have. I’m not “settling”; I’m just realizing that no situation is perfect. Do I stay or do I go?

Helene

Dear Helene,

We connect with people who mirror many of our strengths and weaknesses back to us. This helps us see things about ourselves that we often can’t see.

You just proved how well this works. You’re saying you aren’t making much money. You’ve attracted a man in a similar position.

Here’s the good news: You’re more likely to create a financially successful partner when you’re personally supporting your preferred lifestyle and accepting responsibility for your future security. Successful singles . . . people who are living the life they want as a single person . . . attract other successful singles.

What would happen if, instead of breaking up with this man off and on, you two had a heart-to-heart about your joint financial needs and decided what both of you are willing to do to meet your requirements? Explore the possibility of a combined vision for your future financial life so you can discover if your challenge is solvable or unsolvable.

Relationship coaching can be a critical tool for working through your current confusion. You’ll discover what money symbolizes to you. You’ll explore outdated childhood messages you’re unconsciously tuned into.

Your self-esteem will soar and you’ll empower yourself with possibility thinking. Then you’ll never settle for less than you want in the critical area of relationship with a partner.

Let’s do some great work together!

© 2011 Doris Helge, Ph.D. Excerpted with permission from the book: Helge, Doris, Ph.D. “Transforming Pain Into Power.” Download sample chapters at: http://TransformingPainIntoPower.com.

THE RULES OF THE ROAD

In any communication there is a sender and a receiver. The risk of conflict is highest when the sender is experiencing an issue of some kind and needs to communicate about it. Before any effective communication starts, especially around an issue, it’s important to understand these ground rules.

1. ISSUES ARE UNMET NEEDS

In my thinking, a problem or an issue in a relationship is about an unmet need. If it weren’t a need, it wouldn’t be an issue.

2. ALL ISSUES ARE VALID

If we assume this then we won’t argue with each other about the validity of the issue. It is not nice to discount somebody’s issues and say, “Oh come on now that’s no big deal. What’s your problem? Don’t be ridiculous.” Don’t allow someone to discount your issue. And don’t discount their issue either, because all issues are valid, big and small. Just the fact that you experience an issue makes it valid, you don’t need to justify it or get agreement about whether it’s an issue or not.

3. WHO HAS THE UNMET NEED OWNS THE ISSUE

I call this “David Steele’s Law of Relationship,” and it goes two ways- For the sender it means that if you have an issue, it’s about you, you own it. It’s yours. It belongs to you. There is no universal issue out there that if everybody experiences this one thing, everybody will have an issue with it. Some people will. Some people won’t. Needs and issues are subjective, not facts. They are your truth and not necessarily a truth that others share.

So if it’s an issue for you, it’s because you have the need and the need is unmet. It’s not automatically an indictment that your partner is in the wrong. For example, if your partner comes home late and doesn’t call, in some relationships that might be a problem, in others it wouldn’t be a big deal. If you have a need to know what to expect it will be an issue for you if that need is unmet when your partner is late and didn’t call. The need is yours and the issue is yours. Your partner being late is simply a fact, it doesn’t make them right or wrong. It doesn’t make your issue less valid, it simply means you take an attitude of ownership.

Taking ownership of your needs and issues in a relationship is incredibly important because it empowers you to be responsible for your needs, and is much less likely to put your partner on the defensive because you’re not making them wrong or blaming them for your unmet need.

For the receiver this means that that it’s not about you. It’s not your issue and your job is to let the sender have the issue and don’t try to take it away from them by having an issue with their issue. If you take their issue personally and make it about you then you’ll hit “The Wall.” If you let them have their issue and support them to get their unmet need met you will be helping yourself as well because you want a happy relationship and happy partner.

4.ONE ISSUE AT A TIME

This is very important because when people communicate about issues and they talk about more than one at a time it often goes all over the place. They bring out everything and the kitchen sink; every resentment they’ve saved up, every little grievance. If you want to have productive communication, if you want to resolve something between you two, you pretty much have to focus on one thing at a time.

5. TAKE TURNS

Take turns being the sender. One person speaks at the time. This is basic playground behavior. Share and take turns. However, you notice that arguments happen because one person is not letting the other person speak so they feel like they have to talk louder to be heard. And then it goes back and forth. So take turns being the sender. I want to acknowledge that this is simple, but it’s not necessarily easy. When you’re hitting the wall it feels so urgent to have your partner listen to you that you have a hard time being present to them. This can take a heroically conscious effort, but it can be done.

6. SPEAK WITH MODERATION

If you’re taking turns, then you don’t need to yell to be heard. You can speak with moderation. Productive communication is about being calm, respectful and choosing your words carefully so that you say what you mean and mean what you say.

7. LISTEN WITH CURIOUSITY

This is an important attitude, to be curious about where your partner is coming from and not to prejudge them as wrong, or speculate that, “They really mean– this.” Or “they’re just saying that because of– that.” Look at them through new eyes. Listen to them as if you’re listening to them for the first time. Listen with curiosity. When you do I guarantee you’ll learn something new about your partner and your relationship will not only work better, it’ll be more passionate and fulfilling.

Think back on your patterns in listening to your partner. How often are you formulating in your mind what you’re going to say back to them while they’re talking? Sometimes we don’t even give the other guy a chance to finish before we insert our opinions. This is human nature, it’s a bad habit, we all have this tendency and it takes a little effort to adopt an attitude of curiosity, but it’ll help you really be able to hear and listen effectively. This is also part of taking turns. If your partner is the sender, then you need to be the receiver. You need to listen. If it’s your turn to be the sender then you have a right to expect that your partner listen and receive you and if they are not playing that role you can request them to do so.

8. ASSUME THE WIN-WIN

Most of us understand intellectually that we can negotiate. We can find a way that works for both of us. But what often happens unconsciously is that there is an assumption or fear that if you get your way then I’m going to lose and I’m not going to get my needs met. There is oftentimes a scarcity mentality that drives people into conflict. They really don’t trust that their needs will be met if their partner’s needs are met at the same time. It’s either-or. I like to believe that it is both-and. So assume the win-win.

9. NURTURE THE SPACE BETWEEN

Here’s a concept that oftentimes we forget about, and many couples don’t even know about, which is that a relationship is more than just two people. There is a space between you where this relationship lives. This is where your children live, and everyone else that comes into contact with the two of you.

There’s an emotional atmosphere between you two and it needs to be clean in order to be fulfilled and happy. If you have unresolved conflict, if your communication is not clean and effective, if there are resentments and disappointments and unresolved issues between you two, that is going to pollute the space between you two and everyone, including you, will feel it. So the space between IS the relationship.. We want to nurture that space; we want to treat it as sacred. It’s not just about your partner and it’s not just about you, it’s the combination that you are both 100% responsible for. Not 50/50, each partner is 100% responsible for what happens in the space between.

These Rules of the Road are key paradigms that will help your communication be positive and productive, and you WILL forget them! I call this phenomenon “going unconscious.” No problem- next time you “go unconscious” and find yourself hitting the wall and in an argument, remember the Rules of the Road for effective communication and conflict resolution.

The single most important relationship skill is not communication, it’s taking ownership.

Successful relationships require taking ownership of your “experience.”

WHAT IS YOUR “EXPERIENCE?”

Your “experience” is what happens inside your body and your mind in response to events. It is composed of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

Your experience is involuntary, it just “happens.” It’s neither good or bad or right or wrong. Your experience is always OK and valid.

YOUR THOUGHTS

We spend a lot of time in our head listening to our thoughts. Sometimes thoughts just pop into our consciousness automatically, and sometimes we direct our thoughts with intentionality to solve a problem, express ourselves, make a decision, etc.

And some of our thoughts are judgments. A “judgment” is making a meaning or interpretation in response to an event (right, wrong, good, bad, theory, explanation, reasoning, logic, etc).

FACTS VS. JUDGMENTS

You and a friend go for a walk. You say “It’s a beautiful day.”

Your friend responds “No, it sucks.”

Your reaction is to be surprised. You can’t imagine how anyone could experience such a warm, sunny day to “suck.” Your impulse might be to argue with them- “Are you kidding? Look at that clear blue sky. It’s a gorgeous day!”

This is a very small example of a huge dynamic that creates more relationship conflict than anything else you can imagine.

So let’s take a look at this. You observe the following facts:

The sky is blue

The temperature is 76 degrees

You are walking in a park

Facts are typically measureable events and can be observed through a video camera. If you poll 100 people about a fact, such as “Is the sky blue?” you will typically get almost unanimous agreement that it is blue (except from the color blind!). If you poll 100 people and ask “Is the sky pretty?”, you are asking for an opinion or judgment and will typically get less than 100% agreement.

Your experience of the day is positive. You interpret the blue sky as “beautiful,” the temperature as “perfect” and “comfortable,” and your body “feels good” to get exercise by walking. These are meanings you’ve created from your experience of the facts or events.

Your friend’s experience is negative. We don’t know why yet, but there are many reasons why they might judge the day to “suck.”

YOU HAVE A CHOICE

In the above example, you have a critically important choice to make in your response to your difference of opinion about the day-

Option 1: Focus on the difference (e.g. “Are you crazy? Look at that blue sky and tell me it’s not a beautiful day!”)

Option 2: Focus on curiousity, compassion (e.g. “What’s going on for you?”)

The unconscious knee-jerk response is often to focus on the difference in our experiences and judgments. This choice discounts and argues with any point of view that doesn’t mirror ours and leads to conflict.

It requires a conscious choice to accept differences and not impose our own experience and judgments on others. To come from a place of curiosity about and compassion for a human being who we care about who thinks and feels differently from ourselves.

THE IMPORTANCE OF OWNERSHIP

It is not someone else’s fault that you are thinking or feeling something good, bad, or indifferent. It is coming completely from inside you.

The principle of ownership can be hard to grasp when our partner provides the trigger for how we feel and react, but the fact is that while our experience is involuntary, we do have complete choice over the meanings we create and the actions we take.

Behavior follows patterns. Nothing ever happens just once. If you don’t strive to take complete ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and judgments, you will follow a pattern of blaming others, playing victim, and your life and relationships will suffer.

HOW TO TAKE OWNERSHIP- A FOUR-STEP PARADIGM

I have found that the easiest way to take ownership of your experience in a relationship is to keep in mind the triad of Facts, Judgments, and Feelings-

Facts- usually a measureable event (“the sky is blue”)

Judgments- the meaning we make of the event (“the blue sky is pretty”)

Feelings- our emotions and sensations (warm, cold, happy, sad, etc)

Oftentimes, what we human beings do, especially when we’re upset or excited, is we make judgments about something and try to make that be the fact.

“You make me so angry.”

“You’re a jerk.”

“I love you.”

“War is hell.”

“Ice cream is good.”

These are all judgments you might feel so strongly about you believe them to be true. While they might be your personal truth at the time, they are not facts, no matter how strongly you believe them to be true.

It all starts with an event or stimulus. Something happens that gives us a certain experience.

Then, we react to our experience by making meaning of it and forming judgments.

Then, our judgments stimulate our emotions- mad, sad, glad, fear, shame.

And this all happens in the blink of an eye.

We can then react consciously or unconsciously. If we react unconsciously we will act out our feelings and judgments, whatever they are.

If we react consciously we will separate the facts from our feelings and judgments and then decide what meanings to make and actions to take. This begins by reviewing the facts in your head and making sure you’re not mixing in judgments.

STEP ONE: REVIEW THE FACTS

“OK, the sky is blue, we’re walking in the park together, the temperature is about 76 degrees, I just said “It’s a beautiful day” and my friend said “No, it sucks.”

STEP TWO: REVIEW YOUR JUDGMENTS

“Hmm, I believe it’s a gorgeous day, walking here is wonderful, and I judge that my friend isn’t getting it at all.”

STEP THREE: IDENTIFY YOUR FEELINGS

“I’m glad it’s such a beautiful day, sad that my friend is troubled and not enjoying it, frustrated and angry at their negativity.”

STEP FOUR: MAKE A CONSCIOUS CHOICE

Once you’ve separated the facts from your judgments and feelings you are in a much better position to decide what to think, feel, and how to react. Notice in the above example that the judgments and feelings are mixed, which is common. If you are conscious you can choose amongst the mix of judgments and feelings that you will embrace and act upon, and which you will discard or leave alone.

In the above example you might decide to focus upon your sadness that your friend is having a bad day and choose a compassionate response, and to discard your judgment that they aren’t “getting it.”

THE POWER OF TAKING OWNERSHIP

It is our nature to have lots of thoughts, judgments, and feelings; some that we want to identify with, and some that we don’t. It is common to confuse judgments with facts because we believe them so strongly. It is common to confuse feelings with judgments as well (e.g. “I feel like you’re so wrong about that!”). It is common to have conflicting reactions, such as “You’re a jerk” and “I love you” at the same time. While our experience is involuntary and overwhelmingly strong and real for us at times, as conscious beings we can pick and choose our truth and what we say and do about it.

Therefore, we are responsible for what we feel, think, say, and do. There are no victims in the conscious adult world. Taking ownership gives us power over our choices and destiny, and thus is the key to a successful and happy life and relationship.

Over time, couples can easily develop routines that become ruts and it seems like romance goes out the window.

Does this sound familiar?

Partner #1: “What do you want to do?”

Partner #2: “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?”

Then they end up doing pretty much the same thing they have done before.

Couples can also fall into “compromise ruts,” where each gives up what they really want to do in order to find something they can both agree upon. For example, in choosing movies, he might love action-adventure, she might love drama, and they might routinely compromise on comedies. After awhile, this might get old! (True story- happened to me!)

What’s the alternative? How can couples keep their romance fresh and exciting?

Try rotating the following four ONE-WAY DATES:

TYPE 1: Partner #1 creates a romantic experience for partner #2

The purpose of this date is to give a gift and please partner #2 one hundred percent. This doesn’t have to cost anything, and doesn’t even require going anywhere, as long as the time and activities are creatively focused on what would please partner #2.

TYPE 2: Switch; partner #2 creates a romantic experience for partner #1

TYPE 3: Partner #1 creates a self-centered romantic experience

The purpose of this date is for partner #1 to please themselves 100%, to have romance exactly the way they want, sharing the experience with partner #2 in the way they wish, but not worrying about partner #2?s experience at all.

TYPE 4: Switch; partner #2 creates a self-centered romantic experience

To work, this requires planning and coordination. I suggest couples plan their dates and one-way types on a calendar a year in advance. This may sacrifice the spontaneity that some prefer but often can’t sustain, for intentionality that can continue to create romantic closeness and excitement for decades to come.

I have found that trying to reach agreement on everything can hinder creativity and dilute the possibilities. Using these One-Way Dates allows for each partner to freely and creatively choose activities that would truly please themselves or their partner, without eliminating exciting choices trying to please both.

ONE-WAY DECISION MAKING

As much as we value mutuality and agreement, wouldn’t it be nice to get your way sometimes, even when your partner disagrees?

Similar to the “One Way Date” is the GIMME.

A “Gimme” is a request one partner makes of another, when there is something they would really like to have or do that the partner disagrees with.

Let’s say that partner #1 really wants to go to the opera, but partner #2 hates the opera. Partner #1 really wants to go, but doesn’t want to go alone or with someone else, they want to go with their partner!

Partner #1 could ask for a “gimme” which means “please do this as a gift for me, not because you agree or want to, but give this to me because you love me and want me to be happy.”

Ground rules:

- A gimme is not asked for lightly or often

- When asked for a gimme, try your best to say “Yes”

- When delivering a gimme, do so with a positive attitude

- The gimme is a gift, delivered with unconditional love, without expectation of a quid pro quo

Sometimes in a relationship, ONE way is the BEST way!

This problem has been exacerbated by the messages in movies, television, and other influential media, that promote a consumer-oriented, immediate gratification society. We seem to feel entitled to be able to buy and get what we want with little effort on our part. We have been conditioned that happiness comes from the outside, by having enough money, the car we want, the job we want, the partner we want. Then, when we get what we want, we find that we aren’t happy!

Our relationships are not working because of this externalized, entitlement mindset. If we aren’t happy, it is our partner’s fault and the relationship isn’t working for us. I believe this is part of the reason for our divorce rate.

These dirty secrets of happiness are quite contrary to the messages found in the entertainment media, and I refer to them as “dirty” because many of us (consciously or unconsciously) want to believe the commercials’ promises and don’t want to look at the reality.

Secret #1: If you want a partner, be a partner

Many of us have a wonderful, romantic, vision of the life partnership we want; the reality is that great relationships require a lot of self-work and effort on your part in the relationship. If you feel like you are putting more effort into the relationship than your partner, you’re probably doing it right. The good news is that you CAN live your Vision, the challenge is that the effort must come from YOU.

Secret #2: The journey is the destination

We tend to focus on goals and results, which works well in many areas of our life, but not so well in our relationships. Chances are, you will always be striving toward the relationship you really want, and will never “arrive”. The destination of Life is Death, the awareness of which pushes us to be present in the moment, because we realize that is all we really have. Similarly, our journey with our partner is all we really have. Learning to be present with and appreciate the journey is the path to happiness.

Secret #3: The journey is always longer and harder than expected

We are an impatient culture that wants immediate results. While some of us have the work ethic and self-discipline for the sustained effort necessary to be successful, few of us are happy doing so. We look around and everyone else seems to get what they want so easily, and we wonder why it has to be so hard for us. Truly accepting this principle is a necessary step toward happiness.

Secret #4: Have goals while letting go of outcomes

While having goals and wanting results is natural, letting go of outcomes seems to be a necessary ingredient to happiness. This means being able to “go with the flow”, to be flexible and creative, to view mistakes and failures as opportunities. Success and happiness comes from a yin/yang balance of ambition and acceptance, assertion and tolerance, firmness and flexibility, choice and fate, having goals and letting go of outcomes.

Secret #5: Grow up and take responsibility

There is a wonderful book on this subject that I highly recommend by Dr. Frank Pittman, “Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility Can Make You A Happy Adult.” (St. Martin’s Press, 1998), which does an excellent job of explaining how we have become a society of victims, narcissists, and adolescents, and what to do about it.

He writes: “…happy grown-ups take responsibility. They take responsibility for their bodies, their characters, and their relationships. They own their lives and they own up to the choices they make. Finding the responsible thing to do is the lifelong quest for grown-ups. And it leads to real, grown-up happiness…” (page 278)

Secret #6: To be happy we must grow, to grow we must stretch

Our human nature is to have an inner conflict between comfort and challenge, growth and inertia. Balancing these opposing forces within us is an on-going effort. When we lean too far towards comfort, we risk stagnation, complacency, inertia. Too much challenge can lead to stress and burn-out. Our culture overvalues comfort and undervalues effort. Many of our clients engage our coaching to get what they want, and resist stretching beyond their comfort level to get it.

Secret #7: To get it, you have to give it away

This is a paradox that challenges the “Me” generation. We are much more motivated to “get” than to “give”, which wreaks serious havoc in our relationships. When we focus on giving and let go of keeping score, we have a chance of finding happiness in our life and relationships.

Secret #8: What goes around comes around

There is a consequence for your every choice and action. Of course we want our choices to be successful and get us what we want, and we resist acknowledging the possibility or reality of undesired outcomes. While this may seem simple and obvious, the spread of AIDS, multiple divorces, unwanted children, etc, are caused by people that are going after what they want and ignoring future consequences.

Secret #9: The Truth will set you free

Most of us struggle with a dissonance between what we want and what we have, the way things “should” be with the way things are, what we WANT to believe and the reality. When we can let go of our fears and ego enough to accept the truth about ourselves, life, relationships, etc., we open the door to the possibility of happiness.

Secret #10: Our relationships are our mirrors

The definition of intimacy that I like is “Into Me I See”. This can be quite challenging and uncomfortable, as we will experience the parts of ourselves that we don’t like (our “shadows”) as well as what we want to see. Happiness in a relationship means learning to use the relationship to learn and grow, which means taking full responsibility and even embracing our shadows when they get reflected to us.

Bonus Secret:

Happiness is a fleeting experience and highly overrated as a life goal. Incorporate the above “Ten Dirty Secrets of Happiness” into your life and learn to have goals while letting go of attachment to outcomes. When you can be happy with “what is,” you will experience true contentment.

Solvable relationship problems are generally related to your Needs.  The most common relationship needs are Emotional and Functional.  Your emotional needs are what you need to feel loved.  Your functional needs are what you need for your life to work in a way that fits for you, as determined by your Vision.  Needs are negotiable, and there are many ways to meet a need.  However, the test for a need is that if it were not met, you would experience an issue EVERY time, so needs are very important, and are the difference between being happy or unhappy in a relationship.

Unsolvable relationship problems are generally related to your Requirements.  Whether you know them or not, you do have non-negotiable requirements that MUST be met in order for a relationship to work for you.  If ONE is missing the relationship will not work for you.  Requirements are the relationship breakers, but we often confuse them with needs and wants, and treat them as equal.  For example, a couple will argue about having children or not (which is probably a requirement for at least one partner), and will argue about who forgot to pay the gas bill (a functional need), and they both seem pretty stressful and interfere with the relationship working.  The difference is that paying bills is negotiable and there are many ways to work that out, where having children is pretty non-negotiable for most people, who either want children or don’t, and if they are not in alignment they have an unsolvable problem.

Here are 4 Alternatives for Solving An Unsolvable Problem:

1. Stay in the relationship and be unhappy.

Many couples stay together and are miserable for many years.  This option was more prevalent in past generations.  Today, most people expect and need personal fulfillment, and find it impossible to stay in a situation that doesn’t work for them after time and effort has failed to fix the problem.

2. Leave the relationship

This is the most common alternative chosen, and the reason for our high divorce rate.

3. Let go of the problem

It is possible to simply let go of the problem.  People do this when they realize the relationship is more important than their requirement, or if it is an area of growth.  Requirements are core to who you are and the life and relationship you want, and it is pretty rare to be able to let go of one.  An example of letting go of a requirement as an area of growth might be a partner who could not accept their partner’s weight gain, deciding to let go of needing them to be thin and accepting them the way they are.

4. Compromise

When you compromise you give up some of what you need in order to meet in the middle.  This can be a challenge with Requirements, which tend to be pretty black and white.  For example, how do you meet in the middle about children?  You either have them, or you don’t.  This option tends to work better with the support of a Relationship Coach to help the couple examine the options creatively and objectively and negotiate something that works for both partners, and is sustainable in the long run.

Few of us can answer these questions with clarity. Most of us want a fulfilling life partnership and have little idea of how to create one. Even couples in successful long-term relationships have little insight into why they are successful.

The purpose of this article is to present and explain the primary Relationship Coaching Institute concepts of Vision, Requirements, and Needs, which are critical to a couple becoming successful “Partners for Life.”

As recently as one generation ago, powerful social and economic pressures brought and kept couples together. For thousands of years marriage was a contract to create an economic unit for the purpose of raising children and ensuring the survival of the species.

Our society has evolved to the point where survival is taken for granted, and higher order needs such as love and emotional fulfillment bring couples together. Unfortunately, while we want to be happy, we do not seem to know exactly what we want, or how to get what we want, as the divorce rate attests.

To be successful “Partners for Life” in today’s world you must (1) be clear about who you are and what you want, (2) make a good partner choice aligned with what you want, and (3) learn how to get what you want. Whether or not you are clear about your Vision, Requirements, and Needs, they all must be satisfied.

Your Vision

You have a “Vision” of what you want for your life and your relationship. Like an iceberg, most of your Vision is below the surface waiting to be discovered. Your Vision is a powerful part of you that drives your energy, thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, and choices. You do not “choose” it, and you do not have control over it. Your Vision is an inseparable aspect of who you are, and serves as your inner guidance system driving you toward certain choices and away from other choices.

When your life and relationship is on-track with your Vision you feel content. When an event occurs that is off-track from your Vision, you experience an Issue. You have no more control over this process than you have a choice about your Vision.

For example, if you are unhappy with your career and decide you want to become a lawyer, start law school, and discover you really do not like law; you can try to make yourself like law, but you really have no choice. While you liked the idea of being a lawyer, you were not clear about your Vision and the reality did not fit for you. It is likely that some aspect of being a lawyer fit your Vision, such as helping people or advocating for justice, and you will need to discover another pathway to fulfilling your career Vision.

When you apply the above to relationships you can see that if you want to be happy you must make choices that fit your Vision. If you make a relationship choice and then discover it does not fit your Vision, your only choice is to be unhappy or leave the relationship. For this reason, being clear about your Vision and what you want is critically important. Since you don’t know what you don’t know, it is tempting to believe that the part of the iceberg above the surface is enough to go on… until, like the Titanic, you discover the rest the hard way!

Your Requirements

The basic criteria necessary to fulfill your Vision are your “Requirements.” The test for a Requirement is that the relationship will not work for you if it is missing. Requirements tend to be non-negotiable, and the absence of a single one often results in a failed relationship.

An example of a common Requirement is fidelity, which for many people is non-negotiable; if unmet, the relationship will not work. Requirements commonly involve religion, children, money, lifestyle, values, goals, etc. An unmet requirement is usually an unsolvable problem. The three main choices in dealing with an unsolvable problem in a relationship are: (1) leave the relationship (common); (2) let go of the Requirement (possible but rare); and (3) negotiate livable solutions (possible but difficult, even with professional intervention).

Your Needs

While Requirements are non-negotiable, and tend to be either met or not, Needs can be negotiated, with many possible alternatives.

A Need is easily identified when unmet, because of the resulting “Issue” that is experienced. An Issue is an unmet need. All relationships experience Issues. If Issues are addressed successfully, Needs will be met and the relationship will be successful. The primary reason for relationship conflict is a lack of effective methods for resolving Issues.

Needs are persistent over time. Wants become satiated and change. If a Want is unmet, you can be satisfied with other Wants being met. If a Need is unmet, the resulting Issue cannot be satisfied by any means other than addressing the underlying Need. Wants are the desserts of life, providing pleasure and enjoyment. Needs are the staples of life, providing nutrition for good health. Requirements are akin to the air we breath and the water we drink, without which we can’t survive for very long.

In a relationship there are Functional Needs and Emotional Needs:

Functional Needs are the routine events that must occur for your life to work in a manner that fits your Vision. If any of these events do not occur you experience an Issue, but the relationship can still work for you. Functional needs include expectations about activities of daily living such as chores, meals, routines, parenting, handling money, etc. Issues arising from Functional Needs are sometimes judged negatively by the partner who does not experience the Issue, resulting in some classic power struggles such as the toilet seat being left up or down, the cap of the toothpaste being on or off, and drinking from the container or cup.

If any of these events create Issues for you, it is because of who you are- your values, standards, and habits- and how you want to live your life. If any of these events are not important to you it is tempting to discount them as Issues. Unfortunately, this results in discounting the needs of the person experiencing the Issue, thereby damaging the relationship. A successful relationship requires negotiating and meeting each other’s Functional Needs.

Emotional Needs are the ways in which you feel loved. Today, instead of survival, our core reason for seeking a committed relationship is to love and be loved. We seek to get our Emotional Needs met through our partner, and want him or her to accept the love we want to give.

How you feel loved is highly unique and individual. Most of us are only aware of a fraction of our Emotional Needs. Like the iceberg, most of the ways in which we feel loved are below the surface waiting to be discovered and experienced. One of the primary values of a committed life partnership that cannot be found in other relationships is the on-going process of getting to know ourselves and our partner at ever-deepening levels, building mutual trust and growing our capacities for connection, emotional intimacy, and giving and receiving love.

To be successful “Partners For Life,” you must become clear about your Vision, Requirements, and Needs, and learn how to have the relationship you want with your partner.

The coaching relationship is unique and powerful, and really can help you find fulfillment in your life and relationships. Below are some important reasons to use a Relationship Coach, any ONE of which is compelling enough to get your very own coach TODAY.

1. YOU VALUE RELATIONSHIPS HIGHLY
You prioritize building fulfilling personal and professional relationships. You realize that your success and quality of life is directly connected to the quality of your relationships.

2. YOU ARE COMMITTED TO SUCCESS
You are serious and intentional about having a fulfilling life partnership, family, business, and community.

3. YOU WANT RESULTS
Working with a coach can move you farther and faster than you can on your own.

4. YOU ARE WILLING TO LEARN
You realize that you don’t know what you don’t know, and your future success may depend upon access to new relationships skills and knowledge.

5. YOU ARE READY FOR ACTION
Using a coach can be the most effective means of translating knowledge into practice. One of the most indispensable roles of a coach is to help you use what you already know to make effective choices and take the actions necessary to be successful.

6. YOU ARE OPEN TO MENTORING/SUPPORT
A Relationship Coach helps you to use your relationships to evolve and develop relationship skills critical to your business success and personal fulfillment. The process of self-discovery, learning about relationships, and how to make successful relationship choices cannot be effectively self-taught or obtained from a book or tape.

7. YOU WANT FULFILLMENT
You do not want to settle for less or risk preventable failure, and you are willing to give yourself the gift of the support and technology needed to be successful.

8. YOU WANT TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF
A Relationship Coach helps keep you honest with yourself, helps neutralize any tendency you may have to settle for less than you really want, is good for providing “reality checks” and being a sounding board.

9. YOU WANT TO BE PROACTIVE
A Relationship Coach helps you solve problems while they are still small.

10. YOU WANT TO GO BEYOND YOUR LIMITS
A Relationship Coach holds your highest vision for you beyond your fears and limitations, and helps you overcome your obstacles and challenges.

11. YOU WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
A Relationship Coach helps you take responsibility for the quality of your relationships so that you can create them the way you want.

12. YOU WANT TO LIVE AUTHENTICALLY
Today’s world is filled with challenges to finding and staying on your highest path, telling your truth, and making choices that are best for you. A Relationship Coach helps you identify and live the life you really want, and to be more of the person you really are and want to be.

13. YOU WANT BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE
Your life is filled with opportunities and conflicting choices. You recognize the importance of creating and maintaining balance in relationships, including the ones you have with yourself and your higher power.

14. YOU WANT NEW POSSIBILITIES FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
You recognize that a healthy relationship is growing and dynamic. One of the worst things that can happen is to take one another or the relationship for granted. Opening to new possibilities keeps a good relationship getting better with the passage of time. A Relationship Coach helps you to continually discover and implement new and more fulfilling possibilities for your life and relationships.