Remember the day you gazed into the eyes of your prospective partner and truly grasped that their excitement about you matched your fascination with them?

You saw your idealized self reflected back to you in their soft smiling eyes. You were hooked like a fish attracted to a shiny new lure that caters to its most vulnerable characteristics.

Like the fish traveling nonstop to a baited hook, you ignored multiple warning signs. You were lured to your destiny in spite of personality differences, minor irritations and questions from friends and family. Flaming red flags were buried under a rapid current of hormone-fed infatuation. Trust and lust controlled your left brain’s attempts to analyze and judge. Scorning due diligence, you lunged toward instant gratification with a voracious hunger and haste.

During the first part of your commitment to your new partner, you said goodbye to old longings and loneliness as you embraced new beginnings. When conflicts emerged, you eagerly re-embraced bliss . . . or at least contentment. Disagreements were labeled “small stuff.” Disruptive patterns were disregarded.

One day, the conflict resolution genie vanished without leaving a note promising to return. When you look at your partner’s eyes today, you no longer see your idealized self. Instead of feeling larger than life when you are together, he or she mirrors your own imperfections back to you. Ouch!

Tender topics are inflamed when one person is already feeling inadequate and the other criticizes. Some of us combat the fear of rejection or abandonment by pushing our partner away. We try to protect ourselves by rejecting them before they can reject us. In this toxic ecosystem, resentment, fear, hurt and anger fester like untreated wounds.

What now? One choice is to run from the relationship pouring salve on our sore spots and swearing, “Never again will I attract a partner like this!” The problem with this approach is simple. When we walk away with unresolved issues, we re-create the challenge with someone new. This individual is really the same person even though they’re wearing a different name tag. We’re all enrolled in relationship classes in The School of Life. We cannot graduate to a higher level of relationship ecstasy until we pass our current course of study.

A second option for solving the dilemma is to make a sincere attempt to resolve issues with our partner by discovering how we co-created the troublesome scenario. When we make this choice, we eventually delight in a deeper level of self-love. We learn so many fascinating, valuable things about ourselves that we’ll be more successful in every personal and professional relationship . . . forever . . . whether or not we stay with our current partner.

If you want to explore option two, you can discover the first step right now. We can play the “What if” game. Keep reading to learn how resolving unpleasant partnership challenges can be surprisingly simple, playful and fun.

Paula and Paul were magnetized to each other after a chance encounter. Enchanted, their attraction began to blissfully bind them like clothing sealed by a Velcro enclosure that feels “just right.” Their friends often marveled at how Paula and Paul overlooked minor disagreements.

Over time, unresolved issues began to weaken the fabric of their relationship like lint clogs and deteriorates Velcro that isn’t cleaned. Eventually, hurt, resentment and fear became so deeply embedded that the couple’s original attraction could no longer seal them in serenity.

Paula complained, “Paul’s such a perfectionist. He’s always judging how I do things. I’ll never measure up to his impossible standards. Our magic melted like a charred marshmallow when I realized that Paul needs a perfect partner. That’s just not me. There is no gray area with Paul. Everything is either perfect or not good enough. Maybe he was always a control freak and I never noticed it before.”

Paul was puzzled when he told his friends, “I hardly recognize Paula any more. I used to feel so special when we were together. Now she prefers her friends to me.”

In couples coaching, Paula and Paul enjoyed playing the “What if” game. It’s a non-threatening, non-accusatory way to communicate. Because our brains receive over 300,000,000,000 billion bits of information per second and only about 30 of those become conscious in even the smallest way, it’s essential that all of us remember, “I don’t know that I don’t know what I don’t know.”

When couples play the “What if” game, because each partner makes a commitment to receive amazing new insights, they do. The partnership grows through communication at a deeper level than ever before. One by one, new topics are explored with the wide-eyed wonder of a small child.

Paul and Paula made a pact to be as curious and open-minded as a two-year old investigating a colorful new playground. An initial exercise increased their confidence that they would discover something unexpected, amazing and delightful about themselves and each other. They made a promise to respect each other’s feelings and to listen to feedback with an open mind.

Their new game began with questions like:

• When my partner is irritated, what if he/she feels misunderstood, stressed or not heard?

• What would I be doing right now if I cared more about our relationship than about being right?

• I know how I’m feeling. I wonder what my partner is thinking and feeling right now.

• I wonder what my partner’s positive intention is when they irritate me?

• I wonder what they need when they seem irritated, defensive or accusatory? What would happen if I helped them meet their unmet need?

• When my partner is judging me harshly, I wonder how brutally they are judging themselves?

• How am I co-creating our challenge?

• If what I’m doing isn’t working, what’s a more effective way to meet my needs?

• How can our personality differences become a core strength in our relationship?

• When I don’t like our drama, I wonder how I can create a new story.

• How can we address our underlying fears that have been masquerading as flaws?

• What’s the easiest, fastest and most fun way to transform our painful partnership into a powerful partnership?

Paul and Paula grew tremendously from designing and playfully exploring curious questions. Although they began their coaching journey in a painful relationship, eventually, they were glad they had endured their discomfort. “Our relationship became as strong as super glue after we identified our weak spots and focused on our strengths.”

The “What if” game is only one of hundreds of ways a qualified relationship coach can help you strengthen the vulnerable spots in your relationship so your partnership becomes a primary source of stability and joy in your life.

© Excerpted with permission from “Transform Pain Into Power” by Doris Helge, Ph.D. With over 20 years of experience, Dr. Doris has a proven track record of helping singles and couples like you turn painful relationships into powerful partnerships. See testimonials and receive a free ebook and teleclass at http://CoachingByDoris.com/communication. Sign up for the free teleclass, “Transform a Painful Relationship Into a Powerful Partnership” teleclass at http://CoachingByDoris.com/empowermeteleclass

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It’s true, You can use emotional pain to make you stronger! http://www.transformingpainintopower.com

Take your first step right now to become The Powerful, Authentic YOU that you’ve always been destined to become! The freedom and joy you’ll gain from this book is almost indescribable. All of your relationships will magically transform. Once you discover Your Authentic Self, you’ll radiate joy and confidence that will attract whatever you desire . . . effortlessly.

>>Read a Sample Chapter of Transforming Pain Into Power

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For more information, visit www.FreeJoyEbooks.com and www.JoyOnTheJobBook.com

Enjoy happiness at work. Zap job stress! Gain “Joy on the Job.” Turn difficult people into supporters. Enjoy work-life balance. Doris Helge, Ph.D. shares the success strategies you need. You’ll build a support system & surround yourself with positive feedback when you reduce negativity at work. Enjoy peak performance whether you are an employee, solopreneur, manager or business owner. Proven techniques used by “One of the Top 10 Coaches in America” & Amazon.com #1 Bestselling Author, Life Coach & Business Coach, Dr. Doris. You’ll create much more fun and fulfillment at work so transform painful experience and emotions into Your Ideal Work Life now!

>>Read a Sample Chapter of Joy On The Job

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Enjoy happiness at work. Zap job stress! Gain “Joy on the Job.” Turn difficult people into supporters. Enjoy work-life balance. Doris Helge, Ph.D. shares the success strategies you need. You’ll build a support system & surround yourself with positive feedback when you reduce negativity at work. Enjoy peak performance whether you are an employee, solopreneur, manager or business owner. Proven techniques used by “One of the Top 10 Coaches in America” & Amazon.com #1 Bestselling Author, Life Coach & Business Coach, Dr. Doris. You’ll create much more fun and fulfillment at work so transform painful experience and emotions into Your Ideal Work Life now!

For more information, visit www.FreeJoyEbooks.com and www.JoyOnTheJobBook.com

Get The Best Jobs For You With A Career Coach, Episode 1

Transforming Pain Into Power by Doris Helge Ph.D. – Discover Your Authentic, Empowered Self

Escape The Unhappy Job Rut With A Career Coach, Episode 2

Start A Business With A Career Coach, Episode 3

Become A Star With A Career Coach, Episode 4

Hire A Career Coach To Change Careers, Episode 5

The Secret To Getting Hired-A Career Coach, Episode 6

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Dear Dr. Doris,

I’m in an uncomfortable situation. I hope there is another way to handle the problem other than personally confronting my date.

I met this woman a couple of weeks ago at a party. Things were great until I asked her out to dinner.

That’s when I experienced the shock of my life. She has absolutely terrible
table manners. She talks with food in her mouth and she’s so animated with her fork and knife that I had visions of having a meal with Edward Scissorhands.

I’m not Mr. Etiquette, but my parents did teach me proper table manners. I’m not planning to dine out with her any time soon because I don’t want to crawl under the table in embarrassment. This means that we’re limited to meals at her house or mine. I can’t take her around my friends.

I hate “difficult conversations.” I’m very uncomfortable confronting someone about a behavior I don’t like and we’re not in a committed relationship.

I’m struggling because this woman is really great. We have the dating chemistry that turns me on. I’d love to get to know her better if her table manners weren’t so repulsive.

Do you have any suggestions about how to let her know her manners are an issue without having to have “THE Conversation”? I know I can’t change other people.

Eric

Dear Eric,

When we avoid addressing our true concerns with a date or mate, we cheat two people: ourselves and the other person. Because we aren’t being authentic, we lose the opportunity to discover how they handle constructive feedback. That’s just the beginning.

We block our access to critical information. If you want to consciously choose your ideal partner, you need to embrace authentic, meaningful conversations. Until both of you are open and vulnerable, you’ll never enjoy a genuine connection.

When we cover up our concerns, we also cheat ourselves out of a precious growth experience. It takes so much energy to hide our true feelings and opinions that we’re never fully present. We miss blatant clues from the other person because we’re preoccupied with fearful thoughts.

We also miss nudges from our Internal Oracle. If our mind were at ease because we felt comfortable expressing our true thoughts, our intuition would be flawlessly guiding us forward.

Instead, we’re second guessing ourselves and struggling to hide what we’re thinking. We become exhausted when we could be having fun. There is more to the self-sabotage. The issue we’re trying to sweep under the rug repeats until we learn to tactfully and respectfully (yet assertively) express ourselves. You can see this situation is a special gift wrapped in prickly wrapping paper . . . a prime learning opportunity.

If you continue to avoid addressing the issue, you’ll cheat yourself out of the opportunity to discover how to be comfortable during difficult conversations. This is such an important life skill that you truly want to gain comfort and confidence with crucial conversations. You’ll glean both with practice, so ask yourself two questions:
• “If not now, when?”
• “Wouldn’t I want to know if she were avoiding giving ME feedback about the one thing she doesn’t like about MY behavior?”

Relationship coaching will help you develop courage and confidence. You’ll thrive when you are 100% Your Authentic Self in all your relationships. You’ll get your needs met in easy, harmonious ways and your self-esteem will soar.

© 2011 Doris Helge, Ph.D. Excerpted with permission from the book: Helge, Doris, Ph.D. “Transforming Pain Into Power — Making the Most of Your Emotions,” Download sample chapters at http://TransformingPainIntoPower.com

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Dear Dr. Doris,

I need your advice. I am in a relationship, almost a year now. The good news? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more loved, adored and appreciated by anyone. The bad news? My boyfriend has no steady income. I’m in my early 50s, divorced and I’m not making much money.

I’m concerned about my financial future. Here’s the dilemma. He provides for my emotional needs, but not the realistic stuff like money, decent clothes, nice home, etc. This sounds a bit superficial, but it’s also a reality. He knows that unless his financial situation improves, he will lose me, but he talks about being together forever and says I’m the love of his life. He says he has been looking for work but he’s a freelance photographer.

Since we met a year ago, I’ve broken up with him three times because of my concern regarding finances but we keep getting back together. We have a very strong emotional connection.

Bottom line? I have a wonderful sweet man who loves, adores, appreciates and cherishes me unconditionally. I’m comfortable with him, love him, and I can be myself with him. I could end up alone and poor, so perhaps I should just be
thankful and grateful for what I have. I’m not “settling”; I’m just realizing that no situation is perfect. Do I stay or do I go?

Helene

Dear Helene,

We connect with people who mirror many of our strengths and weaknesses back to us. This helps us see things about ourselves that we often can’t see.

You just proved how well this works. You’re saying you aren’t making much money. You’ve attracted a man in a similar position.

Here’s the good news: You’re more likely to create a financially successful partner when you’re personally supporting your preferred lifestyle and accepting responsibility for your future security. Successful singles . . . people who are living the life they want as a single person . . . attract other successful singles.

What would happen if, instead of breaking up with this man off and on, you two had a heart-to-heart about your joint financial needs and decided what both of you are willing to do to meet your requirements? Explore the possibility of a combined vision for your future financial life so you can discover if your challenge is solvable or unsolvable.

Relationship coaching can be a critical tool for working through your current confusion. You’ll discover what money symbolizes to you. You’ll explore outdated childhood messages you’re unconsciously tuned into.

Your self-esteem will soar and you’ll empower yourself with possibility thinking. Then you’ll never settle for less than you want in the critical area of relationship with a partner.

Let’s do some great work together!

© 2011 Doris Helge, Ph.D. Excerpted with permission from the book: Helge, Doris, Ph.D. “Transforming Pain Into Power.” Download sample chapters at: http://TransformingPainIntoPower.com.

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THE RULES OF THE ROAD

In any communication there is a sender and a receiver. The risk of conflict is highest when the sender is experiencing an issue of some kind and needs to communicate about it. Before any effective communication starts, especially around an issue, it’s important to understand these ground rules.

1. ISSUES ARE UNMET NEEDS

In my thinking, a problem or an issue in a relationship is about an unmet need. If it weren’t a need, it wouldn’t be an issue.

2. ALL ISSUES ARE VALID

If we assume this then we won’t argue with each other about the validity of the issue. It is not nice to discount somebody’s issues and say, “Oh come on now that’s no big deal. What’s your problem? Don’t be ridiculous.” Don’t allow someone to discount your issue. And don’t discount their issue either, because all issues are valid, big and small. Just the fact that you experience an issue makes it valid, you don’t need to justify it or get agreement about whether it’s an issue or not.

3. WHO HAS THE UNMET NEED OWNS THE ISSUE

I call this “David Steele’s Law of Relationship,” and it goes two ways- For the sender it means that if you have an issue, it’s about you, you own it. It’s yours. It belongs to you. There is no universal issue out there that if everybody experiences this one thing, everybody will have an issue with it. Some people will. Some people won’t. Needs and issues are subjective, not facts. They are your truth and not necessarily a truth that others share.

So if it’s an issue for you, it’s because you have the need and the need is unmet. It’s not automatically an indictment that your partner is in the wrong. For example, if your partner comes home late and doesn’t call, in some relationships that might be a problem, in others it wouldn’t be a big deal. If you have a need to know what to expect it will be an issue for you if that need is unmet when your partner is late and didn’t call. The need is yours and the issue is yours. Your partner being late is simply a fact, it doesn’t make them right or wrong. It doesn’t make your issue less valid, it simply means you take an attitude of ownership.

Taking ownership of your needs and issues in a relationship is incredibly important because it empowers you to be responsible for your needs, and is much less likely to put your partner on the defensive because you’re not making them wrong or blaming them for your unmet need.

For the receiver this means that that it’s not about you. It’s not your issue and your job is to let the sender have the issue and don’t try to take it away from them by having an issue with their issue. If you take their issue personally and make it about you then you’ll hit “The Wall.” If you let them have their issue and support them to get their unmet need met you will be helping yourself as well because you want a happy relationship and happy partner.

4.ONE ISSUE AT A TIME

This is very important because when people communicate about issues and they talk about more than one at a time it often goes all over the place. They bring out everything and the kitchen sink; every resentment they’ve saved up, every little grievance. If you want to have productive communication, if you want to resolve something between you two, you pretty much have to focus on one thing at a time.

5. TAKE TURNS

Take turns being the sender. One person speaks at the time. This is basic playground behavior. Share and take turns. However, you notice that arguments happen because one person is not letting the other person speak so they feel like they have to talk louder to be heard. And then it goes back and forth. So take turns being the sender. I want to acknowledge that this is simple, but it’s not necessarily easy. When you’re hitting the wall it feels so urgent to have your partner listen to you that you have a hard time being present to them. This can take a heroically conscious effort, but it can be done.

6. SPEAK WITH MODERATION

If you’re taking turns, then you don’t need to yell to be heard. You can speak with moderation. Productive communication is about being calm, respectful and choosing your words carefully so that you say what you mean and mean what you say.

7. LISTEN WITH CURIOUSITY

This is an important attitude, to be curious about where your partner is coming from and not to prejudge them as wrong, or speculate that, “They really mean– this.” Or “they’re just saying that because of– that.” Look at them through new eyes. Listen to them as if you’re listening to them for the first time. Listen with curiosity. When you do I guarantee you’ll learn something new about your partner and your relationship will not only work better, it’ll be more passionate and fulfilling.

Think back on your patterns in listening to your partner. How often are you formulating in your mind what you’re going to say back to them while they’re talking? Sometimes we don’t even give the other guy a chance to finish before we insert our opinions. This is human nature, it’s a bad habit, we all have this tendency and it takes a little effort to adopt an attitude of curiosity, but it’ll help you really be able to hear and listen effectively. This is also part of taking turns. If your partner is the sender, then you need to be the receiver. You need to listen. If it’s your turn to be the sender then you have a right to expect that your partner listen and receive you and if they are not playing that role you can request them to do so.

8. ASSUME THE WIN-WIN

Most of us understand intellectually that we can negotiate. We can find a way that works for both of us. But what often happens unconsciously is that there is an assumption or fear that if you get your way then I’m going to lose and I’m not going to get my needs met. There is oftentimes a scarcity mentality that drives people into conflict. They really don’t trust that their needs will be met if their partner’s needs are met at the same time. It’s either-or. I like to believe that it is both-and. So assume the win-win.

9. NURTURE THE SPACE BETWEEN

Here’s a concept that oftentimes we forget about, and many couples don’t even know about, which is that a relationship is more than just two people. There is a space between you where this relationship lives. This is where your children live, and everyone else that comes into contact with the two of you.

There’s an emotional atmosphere between you two and it needs to be clean in order to be fulfilled and happy. If you have unresolved conflict, if your communication is not clean and effective, if there are resentments and disappointments and unresolved issues between you two, that is going to pollute the space between you two and everyone, including you, will feel it. So the space between IS the relationship.. We want to nurture that space; we want to treat it as sacred. It’s not just about your partner and it’s not just about you, it’s the combination that you are both 100% responsible for. Not 50/50, each partner is 100% responsible for what happens in the space between.

These Rules of the Road are key paradigms that will help your communication be positive and productive, and you WILL forget them! I call this phenomenon “going unconscious.” No problem- next time you “go unconscious” and find yourself hitting the wall and in an argument, remember the Rules of the Road for effective communication and conflict resolution.

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The single most important relationship skill is not communication, it’s taking ownership.

Successful relationships require taking ownership of your “experience.”

WHAT IS YOUR “EXPERIENCE?”

Your “experience” is what happens inside your body and your mind in response to events. It is composed of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

Your experience is involuntary, it just “happens.” It’s neither good or bad or right or wrong. Your experience is always OK and valid.

YOUR THOUGHTS

We spend a lot of time in our head listening to our thoughts. Sometimes thoughts just pop into our consciousness automatically, and sometimes we direct our thoughts with intentionality to solve a problem, express ourselves, make a decision, etc.

And some of our thoughts are judgments. A “judgment” is making a meaning or interpretation in response to an event (right, wrong, good, bad, theory, explanation, reasoning, logic, etc).

FACTS VS. JUDGMENTS

You and a friend go for a walk. You say “It’s a beautiful day.”

Your friend responds “No, it sucks.”

Your reaction is to be surprised. You can’t imagine how anyone could experience such a warm, sunny day to “suck.” Your impulse might be to argue with them- “Are you kidding? Look at that clear blue sky. It’s a gorgeous day!”

This is a very small example of a huge dynamic that creates more relationship conflict than anything else you can imagine.

So let’s take a look at this. You observe the following facts:

The sky is blue

The temperature is 76 degrees

You are walking in a park

Facts are typically measureable events and can be observed through a video camera. If you poll 100 people about a fact, such as “Is the sky blue?” you will typically get almost unanimous agreement that it is blue (except from the color blind!). If you poll 100 people and ask “Is the sky pretty?”, you are asking for an opinion or judgment and will typically get less than 100% agreement.

Your experience of the day is positive. You interpret the blue sky as “beautiful,” the temperature as “perfect” and “comfortable,” and your body “feels good” to get exercise by walking. These are meanings you’ve created from your experience of the facts or events.

Your friend’s experience is negative. We don’t know why yet, but there are many reasons why they might judge the day to “suck.”

YOU HAVE A CHOICE

In the above example, you have a critically important choice to make in your response to your difference of opinion about the day-

Option 1: Focus on the difference (e.g. “Are you crazy? Look at that blue sky and tell me it’s not a beautiful day!”)

Option 2: Focus on curiousity, compassion (e.g. “What’s going on for you?”)

The unconscious knee-jerk response is often to focus on the difference in our experiences and judgments. This choice discounts and argues with any point of view that doesn’t mirror ours and leads to conflict.

It requires a conscious choice to accept differences and not impose our own experience and judgments on others. To come from a place of curiosity about and compassion for a human being who we care about who thinks and feels differently from ourselves.

THE IMPORTANCE OF OWNERSHIP

It is not someone else’s fault that you are thinking or feeling something good, bad, or indifferent. It is coming completely from inside you.

The principle of ownership can be hard to grasp when our partner provides the trigger for how we feel and react, but the fact is that while our experience is involuntary, we do have complete choice over the meanings we create and the actions we take.

Behavior follows patterns. Nothing ever happens just once. If you don’t strive to take complete ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and judgments, you will follow a pattern of blaming others, playing victim, and your life and relationships will suffer.

HOW TO TAKE OWNERSHIP- A FOUR-STEP PARADIGM

I have found that the easiest way to take ownership of your experience in a relationship is to keep in mind the triad of Facts, Judgments, and Feelings-

Facts- usually a measureable event (“the sky is blue”)

Judgments- the meaning we make of the event (“the blue sky is pretty”)

Feelings- our emotions and sensations (warm, cold, happy, sad, etc)

Oftentimes, what we human beings do, especially when we’re upset or excited, is we make judgments about something and try to make that be the fact.

“You make me so angry.”

“You’re a jerk.”

“I love you.”

“War is hell.”

“Ice cream is good.”

These are all judgments you might feel so strongly about you believe them to be true. While they might be your personal truth at the time, they are not facts, no matter how strongly you believe them to be true.

It all starts with an event or stimulus. Something happens that gives us a certain experience.

Then, we react to our experience by making meaning of it and forming judgments.

Then, our judgments stimulate our emotions- mad, sad, glad, fear, shame.

And this all happens in the blink of an eye.

We can then react consciously or unconsciously. If we react unconsciously we will act out our feelings and judgments, whatever they are.

If we react consciously we will separate the facts from our feelings and judgments and then decide what meanings to make and actions to take. This begins by reviewing the facts in your head and making sure you’re not mixing in judgments.

STEP ONE: REVIEW THE FACTS

“OK, the sky is blue, we’re walking in the park together, the temperature is about 76 degrees, I just said “It’s a beautiful day” and my friend said “No, it sucks.”

STEP TWO: REVIEW YOUR JUDGMENTS

“Hmm, I believe it’s a gorgeous day, walking here is wonderful, and I judge that my friend isn’t getting it at all.”

STEP THREE: IDENTIFY YOUR FEELINGS

“I’m glad it’s such a beautiful day, sad that my friend is troubled and not enjoying it, frustrated and angry at their negativity.”

STEP FOUR: MAKE A CONSCIOUS CHOICE

Once you’ve separated the facts from your judgments and feelings you are in a much better position to decide what to think, feel, and how to react. Notice in the above example that the judgments and feelings are mixed, which is common. If you are conscious you can choose amongst the mix of judgments and feelings that you will embrace and act upon, and which you will discard or leave alone.

In the above example you might decide to focus upon your sadness that your friend is having a bad day and choose a compassionate response, and to discard your judgment that they aren’t “getting it.”

THE POWER OF TAKING OWNERSHIP

It is our nature to have lots of thoughts, judgments, and feelings; some that we want to identify with, and some that we don’t. It is common to confuse judgments with facts because we believe them so strongly. It is common to confuse feelings with judgments as well (e.g. “I feel like you’re so wrong about that!”). It is common to have conflicting reactions, such as “You’re a jerk” and “I love you” at the same time. While our experience is involuntary and overwhelmingly strong and real for us at times, as conscious beings we can pick and choose our truth and what we say and do about it.

Therefore, we are responsible for what we feel, think, say, and do. There are no victims in the conscious adult world. Taking ownership gives us power over our choices and destiny, and thus is the key to a successful and happy life and relationship.

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